i am self-destructive.
i am scared. i’m watching myself make misery of my life. why can’t i let myself be happy? why must i thrive on negatives?
“
And if you look a little closer, you’ll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.
If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.
Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.thi
”“ So may you find in each other what you came here for. And trust that this is love because it is (love is trust). And tangled lives you may lead but into each other, never apart, till you cannot distinguish between being and being together. ”
i’m going to keep this. until it’s true.
i know it’s wrong but
i really just want to push that button and disappear. forever.
i’m back there, in that dark place. i don’t see any light. it’s the one thing that i’ve never been able to accept, yet here i am contemplating it. wouldn’t that just end my legacy of hypocrisy perfectly? i try and see my future, but the fact is, i just don’t think there is one. i’m slipping away more each day, and no one even knows.
i started to write you back
but then i realized how sad it made me. looking at my life, it’s all so bland and disappointing. where have all my dreams gone? somehow, i never follow through. how utterly pathetic. i have so much potential, and all i do is sit around waiting for something to happen. where’s the sense in that?
MISS. MISS. MISS.
i having a fit of the misses. i miss everything and everyone. UGH. why do i always create these distances?
The Bird
“Why are you so sad?” the bird asked.
“I don’t know…” The girl made herself look away. “Maybe I’m just having a bad day.”
“Is this about the berries?”
“Why would it be about the berries?”
The bird fluttered his wings. “That’s why I’m asking. I told you, the seeds were perfectly fine.”
“But they weren’t what you asked for.”
“I don’t care about that. I don’t. I’m happy just sitting in this tree with you.”
“For now.”
“For now.”
The girl let herself slip down to the ground.
“You’re being unreasonable,” the bird told her.
“I know.”
“Can I come over later?”
The girl fidgeted.
“Are you seriously going to be like that?”
“No. You can come over.”
“Hey,” the bird called out as she turned to go, “I like you, I really do.”
Well I love you, she almost said. Except that was stupid. She didn’t know what love was.
“I like you too,” she said, and left.
“ I’m reading. I’m writing. Very little will coax me out of the shell I’m creating. Very few will make me want to spend time with them over time with me. This isn’t selfishness. It’s comfort. ”
random post from the tumblr world that i found. when i read it, i realized that this is exactly what i’m doing. just replace writing with watching inordinate amounts of LOST.
i’m so lonely. but all i want to be is alone.
the truth of the matter
we live with ourselves day in and day out, but somehow, that image in the mirror can still be fuzzy. such is the case for me. to be utterly cliche, i’m still trying to figure out me. who i am: my reactions, my emotions, my dreams, my hopes, my perceptions, my brain, and my heart.
how can it be there we are such a person and can at times be completely unaware of ourselves?
i’ve come to the conclusion lately that a lot of people in my life know me better than i know myself. why do i have to wait for others to fill me in on me?
i’m tired of being an enigma.
this is my secret too. and one of my deepest fears.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
“strangers” -golden smog
we’re strangers, but not for long.
